Attack of the Valentine’s Day Zombies

Danger . . . Danger!

Alien invasion! Zombie attack! Subliminal mind control! There are thousands of catatonic middle-aged men milling around supermarkets and malls throughout the country today.

The first thing that popped into my mind was Sports Illustrated. The swimsuit edition must be out. How else can you explain the numbers? Nope. That's not it. There is too much ”fear” in the air.

Wait, they're all in the card section. What am I missing? Guys only buy cards under stress, duress or guilt.

When I moved to get a better look, I notice few cards and lots of envelopes. Three guys were having words over one of the lame lone cards that was on the bottom row. Then it hit me. It was almost Valentine's Day!

How could I have missed it? The entire store was decorated in hearts. All the Christmas candy had magically changed from red and green to red and white. There was a line at the floral desk. And the store intercom was hawking some “special someone” promotion.

I'll tell you why I missed it. It's not my fault. I was in Walmart yesterday, and they'd changed their displays over to an Easter theme. And I'm de-sensitized to all the noise on television — although I do remember a jewelry commercial about some twenty something “beautiful person” giving his girl friend a bracelet that probably cost as much as my house payment (thanks, way to screw it up for the rest of us).

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Panic.

It was time to go into over drive. I didn't do a very good job at Christmas. And her birthday was a bust. It seems that I have no sense of style buying clothes, and small electric kitchen appliances just don't seem to say "I love you." like they used to.

I sent an “eminent danger” text to my daughters. Nothing. I called my son in law for advice – he was in line at the card section at CVS. I thought my daughter had trained him better . . .

I then had a flash of the obvious. My wife likes to garden. She likes to decorate. She is the “queen of cute.” Why not a gift card to Home Depot? It covers all the bases. It lasts a lot longer than half-dead flowers. It's easy to wrap. Heck, I can just sign the card!

Problem solved.

In fact, I bought two gift cards. Presidents Day is right around the corner. I'm going to be prepared this time.

— Ted

Ted McLyman
 

Entrepreneur, business owner, author, speaker, trainer, Lt Col, USMC (Ret), and Ironman All World Age Group Triathlete.

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